Love, hate and fear… The nice girl. 

Sometimes I wonder if people will ever understand me. Trust me I am not a complicated person. I am just human. Considering that I grew in families that lacked a lot of love, from when I was little I told myself that I want to be the girl full of love. I would never want to hurt anyone. Never disappoint. I told myself that, if I happen to be part of someone’s life; I want to make a difference. Make them never forget me. In a good way. I have always been the nice girl. Those who know me think I never hate. That is because as the wise person that everyone thinks I am, I always preach ‘hate is a big ugly word. I would rather you say you dislike because you can contradict yourself with the term hate’. When my teacher heard me say this, he said he wish his daughter was as wise as me. When you grow up like me, being wise is a choice you make to end up not being like the people you live with. 

I am going to tell you something that haunts me and that will always haunt me. 

I recently heard that my uncle is ill. I should have felt sympathy but I didn’t. For once in my life, I found myself saying ‘I wouldn’t care even if he dies’. I am not that girl. Instead of feeling sorry for him, a huge storm of hate churned inside me and the ghost that’s haunting me because of him came back to my head and triggers tears and nightmares. That’s why I have been a bit distant lately. 

There are many reasons why I hate him. So many but there is one that I particularly hate him for. 

See, when I was perhaps 12 or 13 in South Africa, I went through something horrific. He is just a few years older than me so when I was in year 7 he was in grade 12. We used to go to school together and like the nice girl I was, I always respected him and forgave him for his horrible verbal and physical abuse to me. Considering how dangerous Johannsburg is, grandma made sure I go to school with him so I could be safe. Funny enough, I believed I would actually be safe with him. That’s like saying you are safe with lucifer. So one day he got into shower for what felt like a million years and I was running late to school. Besides, our school was far away; it was perhaps 30 mins walk. But I waited for him and he wasn’t coming out so I ended up leaving and walking on my own. I had only walked alone once and I believed I was aware of my own town and people never really hurt a nice girl. Then while k was waking a man that could have been supposedly at his 40s came to talk to me and asked me my name and I lied and said a false name. He told me he had his girlfriend that he had broken up with and he wanted someone to go and call her for him because when she sees him on the door she never opens the door. Like the nice girl that I was, I told myself i would help the Man. Besides the house he had mentioned was near my school so it wouldn’t be so bad. 

We walked to that house and I knocked on that door and no one opened. Then that man suddenly changed, he gave me twenty rand and said I he wanted to lift me and feel my weight. The worst part was that he was already lifting me and lifting my school skirt trying to tug on my underwear. I started pushing myself off of him and he pressed me against his body while his other hand began unbuckling his belt. He wanted to rape me. Remembering what my grandma had taught me to do, I managed to bite his ear while kicking his leg and he dropped me down and cursed at me. I remember how I ran, how I fell on the street and hurt my knee, how o spent the wall day scared he was waiting for me outside school, how I had almost got myself raped because of liking to help people. I cry all the time I remember those scared feelings. I started asking myself that what if there were other men like him behind that door I was knocking, what if took me and raped me all of them? AIDS was popular in South Africa so I started thinking what if he had AIDS and he would rape me and spread to me. I was just an innocent Nicr girl. 

Here’s why I hate my uncle. When I got home I was still in shock, sweating from running nonstop because I felt like he would want to finish his business. Grandma asked me what I wrong with me and I couldn’t speak, I hadn’t said a word all day, even in class. Grandma was worried and she started asking me if I was bullied or anything and i started crying. She hugged me and comforted me while my uncle was saying I was pretending for attention. My grandma loves me, I would never even have to try to catch her attention for me because it’s always there. So I told her what happened and she was so angry that she hastily told my uncle it was his fault I had almost got raped. He laughed at me and said I was lying and said ‘no one asked you to wait for me. You are a slut anyway’. Imagine, going through all that and thinking the reason why that happened was because you waited for someone who you thought was family and now they tell you it’s all your fault you almost got raped. I might have dislike his actions before that, but every now and then the memory of the day haunts me. It’s hard and painful because I don’t know what would have happened to me that day. I don’t know why my uncle hated me so much. 

Everyday he would mention it like a joke. He would pick on me and say ‘run bitch, run to your men that you claim they almost raped you. You are ugly not even a rapist would want to touch a disease like you’ he is a vile person. 

I hate him and even if I know I am a praying woman and God says we should forgive, I haven’t forgiven him. I loathe him with everything in me. But that’s the person I know I am not. I am a person who finds  happiness through making people happy and changing people’s lives. That’s my aim but his existence is just… I don’t know how I can stop hating because hate is bad.

And these days I feel that incessant feeling that someone is watching me and that feeling became mutual since that day and after that I have been stalked twice since that day and I feel like it all started with me thinking my uncle that should love me was going to protect me. 

48 thoughts on “Love, hate and fear… The nice girl. 

  1. You can both love him because he’s your uncle, and hate him for what he said. I think he’s vile for not supporting you and defending you, and for trying to make you feel like it was your fault instead of that man’s fault.

    I’m sorry this happened, and that some people are selfish and horrible. You’re wonderful!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words Ward, I try to love him because he is family but he has abused me a lot. He actually beat me a multiple times so I wish God could make me learn to forgive him. Thank you for saying I am wonderful, you are such a wonderful friend to me 😊 I hope you have a good night

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Ward 😊 I haven’t spoken to him for some time. Since I came to England I saw him once when I got back to SA and I didn’t get close to him. I will learn to forgive and love him maybe later in life 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol no, America is a huge country and I like hearing from people over that dude beside there is a lot to learn about that country. Beside, I wanna be an author and an actress and which is the best place for that… America. I like your Americanness lol

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  2. Sam feeling sorry that you had undergone this ,but you are a better person now of what all shit happebed! There will be some jerks in life where we don’t wana forgive them..each line i imagined everything and feel so sorry.We can’t change past so just forget his existence. He is already on bed taking all the punishments ..so be happy now dear😘…lots if love to you from my side💛💛💛

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Is this story true? I can’t lie and say I understand your pain because I’ve never felt what you feel. Still, even though this place in you mind and spirit is unfamiliar to me. You didn’t deserve those words, that treatment, any of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is my true story 🙂, thank you for your comforting words. Some things happen and we don’t even know why they do and people who wrong us will always have what’s coming for them. I hope you had a good day 😊 thanks again 😊😉.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No problem I’m always here to talk if you need too. And thanks, my day was pretty good. I drunk some hot hibiscus tea today!! I’m trying to implement new activities in my day slowly so I can develop new habits to keep from falling back into my old unhealthy habits. I had a slip up and I hope everyone isn’t pissed at me.. how was your day?

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      2. My day was just plain, I was watching Flash then went to work, came back did my mom’s hair and now I am getting ready for bed. Will be waking up at 5:30 am getting ready for 6 o’clock gym then I should be at college by 9am lol. I am glad you are making good habits for yourself. The good you are to yourself the better life becomes.

        I have no idea what hibiscus tea is though 🙈 😂, and I am curious, what slip up was it?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I smoked some weed but I’m not suppose to. . 😔 I really want to see Miss Little Lady. She makes me smile on the inside and out. . .Hibiscus is a flower, I want to say an exotic flower that someone decided to put through a process to produce tea. The tea helps with weight loss. I just learned that today from YouTube.😁

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Really? I am going to try out some Hibiscus tea cause I am on a weight loss journey. I understand why you must have ended up smoking some weed, you missed her and that could be stressing out a bit. I have never smoked in life lol

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Never ever… do you drink? And yes, I hope it works but if it doesn’t it’s okay. I felt calm after I drunk it plus, I actually like it. I use to drink it all the time when I worked at Starbucks, in their passion tea lemonade. It’s very refreshing. Maybe we can do our weight loss journey together and motivate each other….. and thanks for not judging me, it means at lot. 😊

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      6. OMG you worked at Starbucks! It’s one of my fav places 😊 I have never ever smoked lol. I grew up with season a chest pains and I couldn’t be any close to any smoke whatsoever so I have not smoked anything🙂. As for drinking, I have drank before but no matter how much I drink I don’t get drunk. Instead it knocks me weak and I would fall on the ground. At first I thought it was cause I was a bit ill bit I have drank three times and different ones like Vodka, Russian, tequila and more and I don’t get drunk ever. It’s weird.

        And yeah that wild be nice! We can be helping each other with some new ideas to help us improve 😄. And you are welcome 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Yea I worked there when I was in highschool and a little bit after I graduated. I wish it wasn’t claimed bad or inappropriate, or unlawful for me to smoke. I actually think it helps with relaxation and deep thinking but everyone doesn’t feel the same. And yes, we should help each other. I also drunk a gallon of water today!!

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Well that’s good, water is something I have a hard time drinking lol. I like a lot of taste and water is just tasteless. Though I try drinking it sometimes 😊

        Some people might see it inappropriate or unlawful because they don’t know what relief it gives. I know people who smoke and in pressure and stress they smoke to calm themselves and actually think. I think it becomes bad when it becomes an addiction but when it’s taken from time to time, weed is also just a natural source

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Thanks.. I don’t mean to keep you up but alot of people don’t think like you. I really appreciate you not judging me. I was addicted before but this time, I don’t want to smoke everyday all day. I have more important dreams to go after. And this may be a stretch but I was hoping Miss Lady would try it with me one day, maybe before we take a pottery lesson.. Anyway, sleep tight!

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Thank you for saying I don’t think like a lot of people 😊 it’s sweet of you to say. I am glad you are more focuses on your important dreams and I believe one day she will try it with you… That would be wild and nice haha. I’m off to bed now haha

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Yeah I live with my mom and mom has some dread locks so I was restyling them, it suits her. My mom is pretty versatile, anything suits her haha. I have many skills lol, I do hair, make up and more. I just don’t do it as a profession

        Liked by 1 person

      12. Really?? I wonder if my miss lady does locs. That would be amazing bc I cut my locs off to start a new set when we meet. A new journey. I hope so, I’d probably ask for a scalp massage too. I got my hair cut today.

        Liked by 1 person

      13. Thanks. I will dream about Miss Lady’s beauty. I hope you have sweet dreams about your guy. Good Night and I hope you have a good day tomorrow😁

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you experienced this, I think you’re well within your rights to feel the way you do about your uncle. He’s a horrible hate filled person. I don’t like him and I’ve never met him. I hope you feel better when he dies. Sending huge hugs, you’re awesome just the way you are!

    Liked by 1 person

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