Knocking at the gates of death 

I don’t know if it really was a serious thing or I just overreacted but it did feel like death. Literally, death. 

I have faced my fears in the world and most of them I have walked through them with my head high and my fears underneath my heels but last night, it was my biggest fear – death. 

I came from work pretty upset that mom couldn’t come and pick me up and also at myself because I haven’t  saved enough for a car. Now I hold a licence and there I am taking the unreliable busses at 22:00 in this ice cold weather. I had to stay at the bus station for 30 mins waiting for a 22:30 bus that also came late at 22:45 and then I got off the bus stop and walked home at 23:00. It was dangerous for a girl my age or any girl or anyone to be walking outside at that time. I was freezing cold and really not in the good mood. At all!

So I got home, went straight to the bath and had the longest relaxing bath while listening to Lana Del Rey and responding to some comments. Then I went straight to bed without even talking to anyone.

 Then In the middle of the night at about 3am, I choked. My throat closed up I couldn’t breath, I tried calling mom but my breathe was literally gone, I had tears all over my eyes and I tried to cough and get some air. I couldn’t breathe almost at all, I tried calling for mom and my brothers and there was no air for me to call them. I was beating on my chest, tears in my eyes while I tried to breath but my throat had clogged and it was burning like I had taken a gulp of acid. 

Then I thought I had to try and go to mom’s bedroom and as I got off the bed I fell and I couldn’t move, I had no strength, nothing. I was holding onto my throat trying to get some air and in those nanosecond I saw my life pass me by. Tears were falling not because I was only chocking but because in that second, in my head everything I wanted was over, everything -my acting, my writing, my dreams, my crush (weirdly) my family, my plans – everything, I saw it all perish, happening like a montage of flashing images while I tried to get some air. 

I called for mom once more and my voice wasn’t even coming out. I tried rolling myself towards the door and I couldn’t even move. I was inert and perhaps half dead. (I don’t know). I coughed trying to cough out whatever that was burning my throat and I felt myself inhale after that cough but it writhed at my throat like hell. I inhaled again and the pain was immeasurable. 

I laid there next to my bed for a minute and tempted to get up and go to the bathroom. Fortunately I did and when I got into the bathroom I drank water but It couldn’t pass through my throat and when I spit it, the water was red. 

Blood. 

I freaked out and drank water once again but it wouldn’t pass through my throat and when I spit again, the water was red. 

I fell down on the bathroom floor near the small basin and literally cried. I rarely cry in my life but I trembled with so many emotions and pain.I thought I was going to die. The most thing that hurt me was that if it was death, I was dying without achieving a single thing. The way everything had flashed before my eyes, I felt the pain of not having to live ever. 

Not wanting to see anymore blood, I went to bed and got into bed still crying. I have never been in so much fear and pain in my life. 

I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up it felt like a dream. I couldn’t  believe it. 

I went to drink water and my throat still writhed but I was able to swallow. 

I spent the whole day okay but my throats still hurting and now it’s about time that I will be going to bed soon. I feel so scared to go back to sleep because I fear that it might happen again and this time, it might be death. 

I hate thinking negatively but I am literally scared as hell. I will pray of course and read my bible but I still have so much fear. 

So I don’t know if I will sleep or not lol. 

29 thoughts on “Knocking at the gates of death 

  1. I had this happen to me once 3 or 4 years ago, then never again. You said it felt like acid, it probably was. It is a type of acid reflux. When your sleeping your esophagus doesn’t close properly and allows the stomach acid to flow up into you throat and can even get into your lungs. You may want to sleep on your back and propped up for a couple nights if your thinking it may happen again. Sounds like the same thing though. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t even cough it out, I was just choking to death (or so it seemed) I had no idea what the hell was happening, but did a little research and that is what I came up with. My throat was sore for a few days but then was fine. Don’t drink or eat too much before bed either. Sorry for your fright.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. anger is a toxic emotion. when you are angry, as you were, the adrenal glands flood your body with two key stress hormones – adrenaline and cortisol. in a sense, your brain diverts blood away from your gut toward your muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. but you went to bed without any physical exertion – trapping the unspent adrenaline and cortisol. besides, when you are angry, your blood pressure, heart rate and respiration increase, your body temperature rises and you start to sweat. you could’ve been having a heart attack yesterday because of your anger. next time, don’t go to bed angry. hope you feel better though.

    Liked by 1 person

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