I don’t know if it really was a serious thing or I just overreacted but it did feel like death. Literally, death.
I have faced my fears in the world and most of them I have walked through them with my head high and my fears underneath my heels but last night, it was my biggest fear – death.
I came from work pretty upset that mom couldn’t come and pick me up and also at myself because I haven’t saved enough for a car. Now I hold a licence and there I am taking the unreliable busses at 22:00 in this ice cold weather. I had to stay at the bus station for 30 mins waiting for a 22:30 bus that also came late at 22:45 and then I got off the bus stop and walked home at 23:00. It was dangerous for a girl my age or any girl or anyone to be walking outside at that time. I was freezing cold and really not in the good mood. At all!
So I got home, went straight to the bath and had the longest relaxing bath while listening to Lana Del Rey and responding to some comments. Then I went straight to bed without even talking to anyone.
Then In the middle of the night at about 3am, I choked. My throat closed up I couldn’t breath, I tried calling mom but my breathe was literally gone, I had tears all over my eyes and I tried to cough and get some air. I couldn’t breathe almost at all, I tried calling for mom and my brothers and there was no air for me to call them. I was beating on my chest, tears in my eyes while I tried to breath but my throat had clogged and it was burning like I had taken a gulp of acid.
Then I thought I had to try and go to mom’s bedroom and as I got off the bed I fell and I couldn’t move, I had no strength, nothing. I was holding onto my throat trying to get some air and in those nanosecond I saw my life pass me by. Tears were falling not because I was only chocking but because in that second, in my head everything I wanted was over, everything -my acting, my writing, my dreams, my crush (weirdly) my family, my plans – everything, I saw it all perish, happening like a montage of flashing images while I tried to get some air.
I called for mom once more and my voice wasn’t even coming out. I tried rolling myself towards the door and I couldn’t even move. I was inert and perhaps half dead. (I don’t know). I coughed trying to cough out whatever that was burning my throat and I felt myself inhale after that cough but it writhed at my throat like hell. I inhaled again and the pain was immeasurable.
I laid there next to my bed for a minute and tempted to get up and go to the bathroom. Fortunately I did and when I got into the bathroom I drank water but It couldn’t pass through my throat and when I spit it, the water was red.
I freaked out and drank water once again but it wouldn’t pass through my throat and when I spit again, the water was red.
I fell down on the bathroom floor near the small basin and literally cried. I rarely cry in my life but I trembled with so many emotions and pain.I thought I was going to die. The most thing that hurt me was that if it was death, I was dying without achieving a single thing. The way everything had flashed before my eyes, I felt the pain of not having to live ever.
Not wanting to see anymore blood, I went to bed and got into bed still crying. I have never been in so much fear and pain in my life.
I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up it felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe it.
I went to drink water and my throat still writhed but I was able to swallow.
I spent the whole day okay but my throats still hurting and now it’s about time that I will be going to bed soon. I feel so scared to go back to sleep because I fear that it might happen again and this time, it might be death.
I hate thinking negatively but I am literally scared as hell. I will pray of course and read my bible but I still have so much fear.
So I don’t know if I will sleep or not lol.