Gratitude and fear

There is something that people or the universe seems to forget or rather mistaken or perhaps only driven people with all kinds of expectations will only understand, but gratitude and fear sometimes comes together and one becomes dominant. 

I am at a point in my life where all my dreams have shuttered and don’t say I am still young, I can do it. I know I am still young and I know I can do it and I am greatful but at the same time, I feel like I will never be an actress that I want to be, my books don’t sell now, they will probably never sell because what’s going to change? I can’t be in love and I certainly feel like my downs are someone’s ups. Meaning since I seem to be back to square zero some people are going to be happy about this. 

Gratitude; I am grateful of what I have but I have a massive fear and the way my life has suddenly flipped upside down, I don’t see it changing. My biggest fear is I will never be happy. I am like a bag full of gold in the middle of nowhere. I fear I will not be an actress, I will end up doing some shit career that everyone told me to do because ‘I am black’ ‘it’s hard to get into’ it’s blah blah blah. I fear I will never find love, I fear I will never ever be happy. 

I am grateful I am multitalented, actress, singer, writer, artist, and more. I could thank God with all my life for such gifts, but what’s the point when no matter how much I work hard, none of it comes through? Now I should start think which shit job that I hate with a passion, that I despise and that I swore I will never do – I should do. 

See, gratitude and fear come in together. I am grateful of what I have, I hate where I am in my life right now and I am extremely, very very extremely fearful of the future because the unhappiness has started now. That’s why I haven’t been writing on this blog because what’s there to write? I am unhappy. I write when I am at least aware that my life has a direction but at the moment I hitting my head against the wall and I am angry and scared I will die alone, broke as fuck, doing a shit job, having hundred kids from hundred assholes who never even loved me. Living in a ramshackle shithouse, with a hundred fucking books starked in a drawer somewhere. 

And many many many people in my life will be extremely happy because I am a threat. My intelligence, charisma and talent are a big threat. 

21 thoughts on “Gratitude and fear

  1. Hey you… I get that at times you feel fearful of the future and all of those things. I’m in that kind of place now and i know its not a great place to be in.
    All I can say is keep going. Things can happen that change lives and I hope that happens for you 😊😘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just a couple thoughts, that you are black doesn’ t matter, Look at Hail Berry (I did spell her name wrong for sure). I actually think fear is a great motivator if you challenge it in the right direction, either it will brake you or make you keep fighting. A lesson I learned in the army.
    And gratitude, you should be extremely grateful that you are able to do what you want to do,
    you have a vocation towards the arts, you might not get the Academy award for best actress, or you might,
    .Point bein since life is not fair just make the best out of it with what you got. And don’t cry too much about it, I would have loved to be a best selling writer, and that is not happening. So you adapt to the reality.

    I hope this wasn’t too harsh, you are definitally a very talented person. Persue your dreams even if they don’t come true, but the worst thing a person can do is to not have the courage to pursue them.

    I sound like Dr. Phill……damn, by the way I just got out of the bathroom after reading the poem…. wink wink I’m winking here! And keep the spirits up.
    I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As a musician, whenever I encounter those bad times, those seemingly endless roadblocks in life, I use that negative energy to create. I had dreams of being a professional musician, but that didn’t happen for me. But, it’s not to say that my life didn’t turn out good. Now, music has become more of a personal thing for me, meaning I write for me and I don’t have success as a component of that love. Now, I have to say that I didn’t have the necessary drive, either. My best advice is to try. Give it all that you have – if that’s what you want. If you’re successful in terms that you define, wonderful! If not, you will be assured that you gave it all that you could.

    Liked by 1 person

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