I am a person who has been through a lot and I am glad I have because I can’t imagine who I would be if they didn’t happen no matter how tragic they are, no matter how much I still have nightmares and no matter how much I feel like they are to blame for most of the things in my life.
Today my friend and I were talking about friendship and love in general. I have never been in love and I crave it because in all honesty, where I am from it’s even a rarity to see people kiss or at least say ‘I love you’.
My grandpa is a war veteran and he and grandma fought / still fight all the time – physically and verbally. My mom, my role model my rock (I love her so much) has suffered in terms of love. She has been domestically abused, cheated on a multiple times, ridiculed in public by a man she loves, and mostly one incident that always scare me, when I was little in Zim she was in South Africa trying to make ends meet to support me. Like in every relationship, people argue but she didn’t know he kept a gun at home and one day he wield his gun and drew it towards mom and unlocked the safety key and ready to kill my mom and she was in love with this man and because she had me at such a young age (17) I witnessed all that and slowly and slowly it created a need in me. A need to be loved and to love.
Now call me naive but I really just want that one to love but there is something else about me. I love friends and once I move on with my life I leave them behind and never keep contact with them. My friend told me she was buying a £1000 plane ticket to a friend’s party in Africa. They haven’t seen each other in two years but kept contact. I don’t even know if my friends from two years ago are are even alive. Besides, I would not but a £1000 plane ticket to a friend’s party unless they mean toooooo much to me in which I have never had a friend like that apart from one (I will save it for another story) . Not because money is scarce in my case but because I don’t value friendship that much. I know I wouldn’t do it. Not for a 24 hour day party. And my fear is, despite how great our friendship has been this past year, I am moving forward by the end of this year and like all my other friends, I know I won’t be in contact with her.
Then here is the question I have been dreading to let sink in my mind. Am I actually naive? If I can’t keep friendship would I keep love? Because god knows how much I want love but isn’t love alsonlike friendship only much more?
All I know is I will continue to grow as a lover until I find him and particularly the one I have my eye own and one I can’t stop thinking about.