Letters to a man I know I have loved 1

This is one of the most person things you will read about me and it’s dedicated to Colin cause we kind of have this in common 😊 Check out his blog it’s pretty cool 

Dear A

It’s one thing having an undefeatable physical connection. It’s one thing having an amazing psychological connection and it’s another to have an emotional, physical, psychological and soulful connection. I might be naive but why would that be wrong? It’s something I won’t change in a second but I can stand tall and say it, we had that connection. The special connection, the stupid finishing each other’s sentences thing, the similar mindset sometimes I thought you were in my head. I certainly wasn’t dillusional, words were always at the tip of your tongue, all over you face, all over you. Sometimes you’d even stammer and I would be confused what it is that you are on about but I also like it because it’s so cool and so sweet. You look vulnerable and not in a state of weakness, you look contently vulnerable. I have no better adjective for it. All I say is I do hope to see you because like I said, I am the coldest person and of course you don’t know that but I don’t normally feel just like I don’t feel like being with anyone now and I am putting the blame on you because you are available to blame hence absent to love. I don’t blame you. I knew it was probable to be just an impossibility. It’s okay. If it was meant to be maybe I would be telling a different story. I would be lying if I say I am going to forget you. That lie would be coated with honey just to deceive myself but I can at least assure you (and myself) that in three years time you will be just another past hence one that I will never ever look at like a moment meant to pass but one to remember, reminisce and tempt to feel again. 

You don’t make me feel like an ordinary person because even an extra ordinary person would not be able to identify or explain how I felt when you were around. Words would only belittle the moment. It felt like if I ever had the chance to be embraced in your arms I would be the happiest girl alive and every single dream of mine would come true, including being loved by you. 

Like I said, words always seemed to be at the tip of your tongue and I wanted you to say them, tell me and I swear to you, nothing else would matter. The age difference would be just an obstacle that I am yet to destroy, that silver ring on your finger would have been just an accessory that you wore and that I cared less about. Which is one of my traits, I am selfish and I care about what I want and rarely about what other people want. Hence with you, I was ready to even care about the littlest things for instance when you couldn’t find your keys, I kept my cool but inside I was shitting myself sideways, and the relief I felt when you found them was beyond feeling. 
I am writing this to you because I am coercing every part of me to let you go. Like I  said, you are an impossibility and my patience is barely there to things I know have a possibility to come true but what more about you, one who will never ever be mine. 

You know I know I will no longer be working at that shop and probably that would be the last time I ever have means to see you. You haven’t even been to the shop since March maybe but every single day I get out of the house I hope to see you because I do miss you. I sometimes make up scenarios where one day I would just bump into you – even in the future – and maybe that you be the start of something. I am also writing this because with so much affection or whatever this is that I feel for you, it is dangerous because once I see you I feel like I can do anything and that would most likely hurt me and other people because it’s not just anything that I would do, it’s anything that makes you happy and that is too dangerous than a gun pointed at my heart but it doesn’t mean that if you came and asked me out I wouldn’t say yes. I can’t even imagine myself saying no to you because I have no reason to. You feel good enough for me, nothing I ever wanted in a man yet everything I will ever want only I didn’t know I actually wanted that. 

You are smart, innovative and so handsome. But I have to let go so that I can go on with my life. I know this is just a first step to actually moving on because tomorrow when I go to work ever part of me will be praying to god that you just appear and make me extremely happy again. 

It’s one thing having a physical connection with someone. It’s one thing to have a psychological connection, it’s another to have a strong emotional connection but it’s serendipitous to have a combination of all these connections along with a soulful one. I like you. A lot. But goodbye. If I could use an eraser to erase you I could but I know I wouldn’t be able to because even now I can’t even finish this because I can’t let go. I just can’t. It sucks and it makes me feel weak and pathetic but I don’t care. I like you. A million times lot.

Goodnight

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