A lot of people have perceptions about erotica and the erotic romance writers. I for certain, I sometimes feel like I have the dissociative identity disorder (DID) like I have six personalities,
- An erotic one for when I am writing
- One for friends (where I have to not be myself
- One for the family (where I can’t think of myself only and where I have to spend time impressing people)
- One that’s depressed (single life can be shit and finance is also shit and body image… the list could go on)
- The smart girl (at uni)
- A loud talkative and assertive girl (work)
Sometimes I feel like I am the narrator in Fight club, my characters are a reflection of me and sometimes a better or worse reflection of me. I remember my first character ever was basically me with a different name and different location by similar circumstances.
Being an erotic romance writer propels writers to almost feel annihilated by the world. I used to say ‘an artist should never feel ashamed or hide their own work‘ I take myself as an artist and half of the times I hide what I write. But one day I told myself to actually come out not hide because to me there is nothing wrong with it and my class mates found out. One day when I was talking to two of them they asked me how do I do it. I said I think it comes natural and the other one said to the other ‘don’t you think it’s weird writing and thinking about sex? Have you seen the stuff that these freaks write? They are messed up‘ in that moment I felt like I could burry myself in a hole. I felt like a freak but in a disgusting way. And more when his mate said ‘yeah, I mean what would be happening in their mind? Porn? Besides, it’s normally fat people that aren’t getting it” And then they laughed and guess what; I am a curvy girl so who were they calling fat really? And who wasn’t wrong? Me cause I also don’t hide that I am single. I mean I was sitting at the same table between the both of them and they were indirectly telling I was a god damn fat freak with no life and all I think about is porn. I don’t even watch porn.
Some people who actually know make every conversation so strange. I remember this lad from work always tried playing ‘would you rather’ and he would ask questions like ‘would you rather have sex with four lads or would you rather Fuck an ugly guy with a huge dick or would you rather eat pussy or suck dick?’ This makes me feel disrespected and violated and it makes me uncomfortable. And one time he said one of our workmates said I have ‘blowjob lips‘ and Fuck does that mean? Besides that’s disrespect and an insult. I am pretty sure they wouldn’t say that to anyone.
Sometimes I can’t be myself with my own friends. My friends don’t even want to go watch fifty shades cause it’s too sexual for them. One day I complemented one of them and said she has nice tits, it’s not like she was naked or anything she was complaining about them being so small and all I said was “you have nice tits…” before I could finish she was laughing at me saying I spoke like a perv why can’t I just say breast. I seriously felt heartbroken cos I couldn’t even be myself with my friends. So Everytime I say something I have to revise my words. Some of them when they see me writing they start making fun of it and calling it the worst possible names. It makes me want to hide and it makes me think if my friends can’t accept me then what about the world basically?
Life as an erotic romance writer for me is only okay when I am writing for this blog. I sometimes feel afraid that if I were to find a guy I really like, what would be their reaction and after knowing what I write and that I have a blog where I write erotica; would they respect me or see me as a humping bag and then leave?
I don’t know about other erotic romance writers. Maybe they live in the environment where it doesn’t make them look like total weirdos. But in my world I look like an absolute weirdo. Some even act like they don’t read these kind of stuff and besides, they have never read what I write. I know some people’s erotic stories could come across appalling because of how pornographic the story would be but it’s not really about that. Well mine isn’t like that. I don’t even have to justify this because you lot read my writing and I could barely say you have read anything that isn’t driven by passion and love and one that won’t make you sick. Everything I write is inspired by love and the beauty of love. Besides, it’s a way for me to understand myself.
Anyway, life as an erotic romance writer is almost like a mystery. It’s either you reveal it and see what happens or you don’t and live in silence. I don’t know about others but mine is a secret and a secret doesn’t always feel good.