Dear hater / bully

It was fun wasn’t it, Saying all those awful things 

Your mouth a garbage can, putrid and Fucking disgusting, I am laughing.

You’re A reflection of an inferior minded human being 

Saying self conscious words to the victims of beauty, 

~

I listened, you know? 

Your words boiled like lava 

Writhed like acid

Ashes of my heart still burned

Churning and twisting 

My breath hollowed 

Something was dying inside me

Your words breed a death

Without you my dear, I don’t know where I would be

~

I saw it, in your eyes 

The fervent facade was a stupid substitute for confidence 

Mean girl, a character you played so bad, I was crying

You are such an uneducated bully, it’s annoying

~

Look at me, now

Ritzy and sexy as Fuck 

Your malice has become so dull, i’m bored, 

Come on throw some more hate, babe 

See me grow again, 

See me become a masterpiece 

Because I know that shit hurts. 

~

I See you watching 

The devilish smirk appearing in your face

As I close my eyes

Liquid cascading down my eyes 

It’s in black and white 

A timeless classic 

you’ve won… funny that isn’t.

~

Well fix your face bitch, 

Cause I am a god damn diamond and I Fucking cry glitter bitch. 

Discussion: two women? 

Here is a scenario. 

You recently met a girl and you are actually in a relationship. Let’s say her name is Melisa. So one day your girlfriends finds out that you have been seeing Mel and she doesn’t say anything and you don’t know that she knows about Mel. Then one day you are from work, or something, exhausted and all you need is your gf besides you, watching tv and just chilling basically. Then you go into your bedroom and find Mel and your girlfriend having sex. 

This is a real scenario, don’t think of it from a really sexual mindset, this is your wife and your sidechick having sex. 

What would you do? 

I own it 

It would be a green ugly lie if I said I always live in reality 

My head is world of gold and fortune 

Sleek and fine 

Haters ashes, scattered in hell

My ashes are diamonds

Pose bitch 

~

I dance

Barely dressed 

My body is a gracious vessel

A fountain of youth 

Bathing in this liquid gold 

My melanin popping

My highlight gold and brighter than your future 

I am owning it 

~

I like giving you something to talk about 

A hegemonic figure of life 

I own every shit I have 

You own that malice, what do you have? 

~

My eyes lascivious 

He said they pierce through his soul, 

My lips thick 

He says they are juicy, 

Cause I am damn owning it 

Own it bitch 

~

Remind haters you the shit, 

The damn queen of your life

Let them play extras

And you be the lead role

My face on everything 

I’ll be your kid’s idol 

Your brother’s crush

Your boyfriend’s fantasy 

Bitch, I am owning it. 

~

All of that glam 

Bad and boujie 

Own it 

Discussion: big girls/ big women…? 

(I love this woman!!!!!)

I am glad we are in a time where most thick women feel confident and beautiful in their skin. I myself I am a curvy girl, I am no where near skinny and sometimes I feel less beautiful which is fairly less times to be honest. The thing is being a bigger girl comes with more flaws than most thinner women. We have huge tits that aren’t as perky, some thick girls don’t have huge tits but the majority do. I do and they are heavy and annoying but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I have read some articles where men say they are turned off when a plus woman has her huge tits that are obviously not going to be perky. 

(Another fav from Ig)

Second, we have stretch marks, our tiger stripes define our growth and our feminity and again I have read articles where some men say they are a turn off or they wouldn’t date a plus woman because of that. 

(So beautiful!, my body type)

Besides some thick women have thick thighs that rub together, cause friction and skin discolouration, and I have yet again read articles where women feel insecure about this and where they have been insulted about it. In my opinion, it’s all natural. 

Also I know there are some big men who aren’t six pack and muscles, who too are thick and are also made to feel as though they aren’t beautiful. I know people have preference, I have mine but sometimes you can’t help who you fall for. 

The media and the society makes us feel as though we are unattractive and that we must be picture perfect or if we are curvy, we must be Kim Kardashian curvy which is just… let’s not go there. 

So this week’s discussion is about fat/thick/plus/curvy women and thick men. 

Would you date a thick (BBW) woman/ man? Do the flaws I have mentioned above turn you off? And on the picture below which girl would you prefer if you were to date a big girl? 

(A,B,C,D,E) 

I know this is a sensitive subject for other people and I don’t mean to offend. I am doing this discussion because people email me to do it and a lot have. I am just helping and if you have an idea of any discussion please voice it. Also share this post so that more people would join in. It’s fun if we are many. 

 I also ask that you write your most honest response and do not feel afraid or lie just to impress, I want you to be honest. And remember every opinion is an opinion, if it offends you, don’t take it to heart. 

No matter who you are, you are very very beautiful and no words should make you feel less than beautiful and handsome. 

Love is possible.

Today was pretty much no different to any day, I just had to deal with the financial crisis and fixing my uni applications and all trying to revise for exams. Also my acne treatment has the side effects of mood swings and tiredness, all kinds of shit really and it makes me miserable but I am an optimist. I try to look on the positive side but today I wasn’t. The treatment was kind of overwhelming besides, I have put on so much weight I can’t even look at my own reflection on the mirror (probably the treatment talking)  and I am stressing out and today I was ready and kicking to go back to gym then I forgot my bus pass and it all went down shit basically. 

So it’s been pretty shite if I am being honest. But one thing I noticed, I am the kind of a person who reads the future from almost anything. Some of it has actually worked for instance, when I went to London for an audition, all the way to the train station every traffic light went red, in my mind I had the incessant feeling that it wasn’t going to go well. Then while in the train, somebody became sick, to me it illustrates that my journey won’t be good and guess what, it didn’t go well. I am using this example cause I feel like you will understand it more. 

So since my day was basically a perfect definition of a shit day, in a shit mood and shit clothes (fashion means a lot to me) I have seen two different kinds of love. In a way, it’s a promise that I will find what I am looking for. Love, life, happiness and traveling. 

One lesson is, love isn’t about the looks. It has always occurred to me that I will not find a person who will love me because of my looks. I am a plus girl battling with weight issues despite my confidence and at times I think no one will love me. Very little times though.

Today after college I was in the bus and I saw two teenagers, they are probably younger than me (I will be twenty in two weeks 💥) they were standing in each ither’s arms. (I am a bit of a flaneur)  They were obviously in their own world, they were talking and kissing each other. In all, nothing was perfect about these kids, the guy had the long hair, the girl was in all black almost like the metal rock band singers but what was perfect was the way I felt their sense of love and affection. It was beautiful but it passed my mind because I had a lot in my mind. 

Then in town I saw another pair of lovers yet again. This one actually made me smile in public (so rare for me to smile in public. I have a straight don’t fuck with me face). Something blissful swelled in my heart. They were both putrid, in dirty tracksuits and the ripped and dirty hair – showing they live scarcely and perhaps sleep under the bridges. They were arguing, shouting all kinds of expletives at each other. I turned down the volume of my music and heard them say some deep shit at each other. Cursing super strong I was almost shocked. Then the man cursed and walked the other way and the woman also murmured profanities while walking away. It reminded me of the times my mom and the wife beater she was married to, they fought like this Everytime but even if they argued, I never sensed love like it did between these two. And they didn’t prove my speculation or sense of love wrong. The man hastily walked back to her and yanked her hand in almost a very forceful manner, when she argued with him he caught her words with his lips onto hers. It wasn’t just a quick kiss. They kissed in the middle of the road, no care that the car would come and hit them, no care that the sun is scorching today, no care that people are probably judging them, all they cared about in that moment was each other. 
I bet people thought I was insane as I watched them with a big toothy smile. It was a super sensational sight. So beautiful I can’t wipe it away. These people have nothing. Nothing. Their clothes look like they are all they have, dusty and all kinds of dirty. But their love… I just… I am lost for words. I can’t describe it because maybe you would understand it if you watched them with me. From the way they cursed at each other you would imagine them walking away from each other and never looking back but damn, that kind of free love, no cost, no care for anything but each other is the kind of love I love. It was obvious they were all they had and really, I could fan-girl about their love through out all day. 

I love love. I love the sight of love and seeing such examples of love makes me… I don’t know… crave it a little more? Believe that love is actually possible and I am not just crazy? That maybe I am not naive? I just don’t know but like a person who reads from what happens around her, I feel like not so long I will have what I want. It’s possible. Love is possible. No matter what the circumstances are. Love is possible and at no cost. No money or wealth or perfect body or perfect face or perfect financial life or perfect anything, love is possible. Love will come to me and damn I will be happy. 

Let’s have a laugh 😂 

The internet has no chill man 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 

Discussion: virgins 

So like I have said before, when thinking of what pleases men, we think it’s playing with their bodies let them inside us and then they are pleased but due to my understanding; men are just as complicated as women are. That’s why I am starting this series of discussions so that I can understand more and also help others. I also demand brutal honesty, in this and also respect. Also if you do not agree with someone’s opinion, do remember -it’s their opinion and be respectful even if you feel like commenting on it.

 I have been contacted by some virgins both male and female, both of their worries are that women and men avoid them due to no experience. In my culture if a woman is a virgin a man normally treasures her as it shows that she respects herself but that said; it doesn’t mean every man could look at a virgin in this way. Also in my culture women always crave a much older and experienced man as they are said to be more profound and caring. In fact; my grandma taught/told me, I would experience more with an older man and they will care for me and respect me more. I can’t say I know or I have experienced such with a man because I have not been with a man older than me. 

So the question for this week’s discussion is: 

Do men like virgins? And what is their opinion about them? Please be brutally honest because this discussion will be useless if people aren’t honest. After all you are free to voice your opinions. 

Busted!

I have never thought I could easily be read like today. So the story is, I am literally glued to Maya Banks’ Sweet Surrender series and damn it is hot! 

I am on the third book at the moment, SweetTemptation. Normally I read such hot books in public, in fact I do it all the time. I even write my own erotic stories in public and be turned on and manage to efface it but today I failed. 

I was at work and it wasn’t that busy so I was able to be sneaking and reading the book and I am on a chapter where Angelina the protagonist of the book is being dominated by three men. How hot is that! The scene was utterly hot that I became kind of bothered but still, I am good at hiding my arousal and I have never been busted. 

So while I was reading a customer came and I had to serve immediately. They literally caught me off guard while the scene in the book still played in my mind. He was male, tall and handsome. He had come around at work a few times, he is a regular customer actually and we normally have some little chats. He is a paramedic too but today he wasn’t working. 

So I hastily went to serve him and he greeted me as always and ordered what he wanted. Then he narrowed his eyes with a little smirk in his face and said “are you alright?” 

I hastily became pale thinking shit, I just got busted!. So I said “yeah I am” with a bit of a laugh. More of a humiliated kind of laugh. 

“Oh okay, you look a bit flushed that’s all” he said and I swear my face must have swelled up like a balloon with no air. A man I had no business with had just read my arousal from my face. 

Like a good actress that I am I laughed it off and said “it’s cause I am tired. Had a long day at college then came to work and it’s been busy”. I was trying to wear a facade but damn I was turned on. “I will take your word for it” he said and on his face I knew he knew I was aroused. 

The scene in the book kept playing in my mind and I was so humiliated because I was half in my head and half in the shop serving a good looking man that just read how turned on I was just from my face. 

So then our conversation went on about his day then he paid his goods. After that he said “get some rest, Sam” I knew his words implied something way more but I pretended like I didn’t know what he was on about and said “same to you, have a good day”. 

Inside I was shitting myself. My bitch face literally betrayed me today, I was all hot and bothered and it was almost impossible to hinder it. 

I am so embarrassed lol. 

A handsome face 

A handsome face sells 

But it never sells the emotions

The darkness buried inside 

Hidden and starched underneath the angelic face.

~

It hold a priceless smile

That could sell for a million pounds 

A very deceitful smile 

That attracts even the devil of the world

It allures the wrong light into his life.

~

A handsome face is misinterpreted 

It’s effortless features could cloud all sorts of feelings, sex, love, hate, happiness, pity, naughty, sexy, hot and every word in the world.

It could turn you on without even advanced effort

It could intimidate you without any words spoken

It could mislead you without any intention to

It is just a handsome face 

An art piece

~

A handsome face alerts false projection

Women think it doesn’t have a heart

They become defensive 

Use their claws to scratch it ugly 

Yet a handsome face may sell false advertisement 

But it does have a heart

It’s handsomeness hinders us to see its reality

It’s handsomeness is a curse that causes unendurable pain 

Projection of a wrong feeling

~

An art piece that needs to be analysed in its fullest depth

It’s handsomeness hides the wrinkles and the fine lines of growth. 

Lines that are routes to its true being

Wrinkles that are brought by its sadness and its happiness.

A handsome face is the most saddest thing in the world.

Gratitude and fear

There is something that people or the universe seems to forget or rather mistaken or perhaps only driven people with all kinds of expectations will only understand, but gratitude and fear sometimes comes together and one becomes dominant. 

I am at a point in my life where all my dreams have shuttered and don’t say I am still young, I can do it. I know I am still young and I know I can do it and I am greatful but at the same time, I feel like I will never be an actress that I want to be, my books don’t sell now, they will probably never sell because what’s going to change? I can’t be in love and I certainly feel like my downs are someone’s ups. Meaning since I seem to be back to square zero some people are going to be happy about this. 

Gratitude; I am grateful of what I have but I have a massive fear and the way my life has suddenly flipped upside down, I don’t see it changing. My biggest fear is I will never be happy. I am like a bag full of gold in the middle of nowhere. I fear I will not be an actress, I will end up doing some shit career that everyone told me to do because ‘I am black’ ‘it’s hard to get into’ it’s blah blah blah. I fear I will never find love, I fear I will never ever be happy. 

I am grateful I am multitalented, actress, singer, writer, artist, and more. I could thank God with all my life for such gifts, but what’s the point when no matter how much I work hard, none of it comes through? Now I should start think which shit job that I hate with a passion, that I despise and that I swore I will never do – I should do. 

See, gratitude and fear come in together. I am grateful of what I have, I hate where I am in my life right now and I am extremely, very very extremely fearful of the future because the unhappiness has started now. That’s why I haven’t been writing on this blog because what’s there to write? I am unhappy. I write when I am at least aware that my life has a direction but at the moment I hitting my head against the wall and I am angry and scared I will die alone, broke as fuck, doing a shit job, having hundred kids from hundred assholes who never even loved me. Living in a ramshackle shithouse, with a hundred fucking books starked in a drawer somewhere. 

And many many many people in my life will be extremely happy because I am a threat. My intelligence, charisma and talent are a big threat.