Today was pretty much no different to any day, I just had to deal with the financial crisis and fixing my uni applications and all trying to revise for exams. Also my acne treatment has the side effects of mood swings and tiredness, all kinds of shit really and it makes me miserable but I am an optimist. I try to look on the positive side but today I wasn’t. The treatment was kind of overwhelming besides, I have put on so much weight I can’t even look at my own reflection on the mirror (probably the treatment talking) and I am stressing out and today I was ready and kicking to go back to gym then I forgot my bus pass and it all went down shit basically.
So it’s been pretty shite if I am being honest. But one thing I noticed, I am the kind of a person who reads the future from almost anything. Some of it has actually worked for instance, when I went to London for an audition, all the way to the train station every traffic light went red, in my mind I had the incessant feeling that it wasn’t going to go well. Then while in the train, somebody became sick, to me it illustrates that my journey won’t be good and guess what, it didn’t go well. I am using this example cause I feel like you will understand it more.
So since my day was basically a perfect definition of a shit day, in a shit mood and shit clothes (fashion means a lot to me) I have seen two different kinds of love. In a way, it’s a promise that I will find what I am looking for. Love, life, happiness and traveling.
One lesson is, love isn’t about the looks. It has always occurred to me that I will not find a person who will love me because of my looks. I am a plus girl battling with weight issues despite my confidence and at times I think no one will love me. Very little times though.
Today after college I was in the bus and I saw two teenagers, they are probably younger than me (I will be twenty in two weeks 💥) they were standing in each ither’s arms. (I am a bit of a flaneur) They were obviously in their own world, they were talking and kissing each other. In all, nothing was perfect about these kids, the guy had the long hair, the girl was in all black almost like the metal rock band singers but what was perfect was the way I felt their sense of love and affection. It was beautiful but it passed my mind because I had a lot in my mind.
Then in town I saw another pair of lovers yet again. This one actually made me smile in public (so rare for me to smile in public. I have a straight don’t fuck with me face). Something blissful swelled in my heart. They were both putrid, in dirty tracksuits and the ripped and dirty hair – showing they live scarcely and perhaps sleep under the bridges. They were arguing, shouting all kinds of expletives at each other. I turned down the volume of my music and heard them say some deep shit at each other. Cursing super strong I was almost shocked. Then the man cursed and walked the other way and the woman also murmured profanities while walking away. It reminded me of the times my mom and the wife beater she was married to, they fought like this Everytime but even if they argued, I never sensed love like it did between these two. And they didn’t prove my speculation or sense of love wrong. The man hastily walked back to her and yanked her hand in almost a very forceful manner, when she argued with him he caught her words with his lips onto hers. It wasn’t just a quick kiss. They kissed in the middle of the road, no care that the car would come and hit them, no care that the sun is scorching today, no care that people are probably judging them, all they cared about in that moment was each other.
I bet people thought I was insane as I watched them with a big toothy smile. It was a super sensational sight. So beautiful I can’t wipe it away. These people have nothing. Nothing. Their clothes look like they are all they have, dusty and all kinds of dirty. But their love… I just… I am lost for words. I can’t describe it because maybe you would understand it if you watched them with me. From the way they cursed at each other you would imagine them walking away from each other and never looking back but damn, that kind of free love, no cost, no care for anything but each other is the kind of love I love. It was obvious they were all they had and really, I could fan-girl about their love through out all day.
I love love. I love the sight of love and seeing such examples of love makes me… I don’t know… crave it a little more? Believe that love is actually possible and I am not just crazy? That maybe I am not naive? I just don’t know but like a person who reads from what happens around her, I feel like not so long I will have what I want. It’s possible. Love is possible. No matter what the circumstances are. Love is possible and at no cost. No money or wealth or perfect body or perfect face or perfect financial life or perfect anything, love is possible. Love will come to me and damn I will be happy.