Is it true that they say for you to be not naive you have to experience it over and over again until your heart feels nothing when what excites you disappoints you? Rejection is the most feeling I know. In which it is why I sometimes remain to myself. I don’t express my feelings too easy because in my mind I will keep thinking ‘he will say no’ then it’s the career I think they will just judge me like the pictures without even witnessing my full potential and get ‘no’. I was recently pencilled for an extra role, I mean I know it’s a small role, probably no one would have noticed my face on screen but it would have been my fist appearance on TV but they asked for my selfie, I prayed since that day, I cancelled shifts at work for the dates they had put for me and I even dreamt they were going to comfirm me but guess what, I can’t even get an extra role. It felt okay because as much as I expected to get the role, a big part of me knew I was not going to get it because I seem to have ‘reject’ written in big bold block letters on my forehead. I mean the most thing I can’t let go is my audition for RADA. My heart breaks when I remember it. It was so great, I felt my dream so close and no one will ever understand how I feel when I am acting. I can never love anyone or anything as much as I love acting. They told me ‘we loved your audition, you have an amazing personality and you are an incredible letter but…” then that second I recalled a quote I’d once analysed from a film ‘the words before the word but don’t matter because what they really mean is the words after it’. And I read it ‘but unfortunately we just don’t think you are right for this course.’ In other means I am not right for them. I cried for days. It was the hardest time of my life where I felt like until I break no one will notice my courage and tenacity towards acting.
Now I feel my tears bloating in my heart and I feel it coming to my throat. I am fighting every nerve that tells me to cry because i hate feeling weak. Acting is my strength and Everytime I get rejected I feel my strength is constantly being taken away from me. My family they are laughing at me for choosing such a career because they think I am not strong enough for it. Despite that I know I am strong enough for it, what if they are right? My pride is one of my biggest parts of me, nothing would kill me like seeing them feign to be sorry when I fail to be an actress.
Mom had told me to not tell anyone about it because even if I had my doubts Mom was the most supportive woman ever. I know she had doubts too but she would tell me that they will definitely take me.
Maybe one day I won’t be rejected. Maybe one day I will actually do what makes me happy. Because Mom believes I can make it. I believe I can make it but my strength is decreasing.
It didn’t hurt when they told me I wasn’t getting the role, but what hurt was the way I was happy all these past days. It felt like a sign that I was on the right path.
What if I will never be a published author or an actress? I know I won’t let it happen but the universe seems to say otherwise