Everytime ❤️

Everytime I look into your eyes, I feel like you handpicked me to suit your darkest insight, but you never really knew what I was like, you only witnesses a facade of what it’s like to love a woman like me. 

Everytime I am inside your arms, I feel like you handpicked me out of a million, only you didn’t know who I was like, I thought you will leave cause I tempted to leave, not because I hadn’t loved you yet, but because it didn’t feel right, because you only witness the smile I wear in day, and the lustrous mask I wear at night but then you reminded me, it wasn’t a facade it really was me.

Everytime I dance with you in the dark, I want you to be harder cause I am not so soft, Everytime you try to be kind I tell you I want you to be hard because I know love isn’t supposed to be easy, that’s why I don’t want you to be easy. 

Everytime I look into your eyes, I feel like you handpicked me effortlessly because I am transparent, you know I was the girl that suit your life, I love the sex you like and the fetish you love, I hate all the things that you hate, I laugh at same joke as you laugh to, I never cry because you hate to see me cry. 

Everytime I kiss you I feel like I will explode into a million diamonds because you make me shine brighter than the diamonds. 

Everytime you sleep I want you to know, you are my love and I belong to you. 

Everytime 

Dear hater / bully

It was fun wasn’t it, Saying all those awful things 

Your mouth a garbage can, putrid and Fucking disgusting, I am laughing.

You’re A reflection of an inferior minded human being 

Saying self conscious words to the victims of beauty, 

~

I listened, you know? 

Your words boiled like lava 

Writhed like acid

Ashes of my heart still burned

Churning and twisting 

My breath hollowed 

Something was dying inside me

Your words breed a death

Without you my dear, I don’t know where I would be

~

I saw it, in your eyes 

The fervent facade was a stupid substitute for confidence 

Mean girl, a character you played so bad, I was crying

You are such an uneducated bully, it’s annoying

~

Look at me, now

Ritzy and sexy as Fuck 

Your malice has become so dull, i’m bored, 

Come on throw some more hate, babe 

See me grow again, 

See me become a masterpiece 

Because I know that shit hurts. 

~

I See you watching 

The devilish smirk appearing in your face

As I close my eyes

Liquid cascading down my eyes 

It’s in black and white 

A timeless classic 

you’ve won… funny that isn’t.

~

Well fix your face bitch, 

Cause I am a god damn diamond and I Fucking cry glitter bitch. 

It’s a savage world 

I am single 

But my heart belongs to someone who can never be mine 

I am on my own 

Hence my mind rotates in circles 

I feel a certain drowsiness since I decided to let go and let God 

But I want you, 

I want something new 

Because you are all that is in my mind 

Promoting your image, an illusion of the best life 

And I buy into it 

~

I am single 

I walk on the streets 

Hand in hand with your phantom 

I am cursed with the eyes that are the only that can see you 

 because I belong to you 

And you belong to someone else

It’s a savage world. 

It’s sad I live in it 

And you don’t live in it 

I am not loving it 

So that’s why I tempt to leave it 

But nothing is as impossible as that 

Letting go, of you, and letting God. 

Discussion: two women? 

Here is a scenario. 

You recently met a girl and you are actually in a relationship. Let’s say her name is Melisa. So one day your girlfriends finds out that you have been seeing Mel and she doesn’t say anything and you don’t know that she knows about Mel. Then one day you are from work, or something, exhausted and all you need is your gf besides you, watching tv and just chilling basically. Then you go into your bedroom and find Mel and your girlfriend having sex. 

This is a real scenario, don’t think of it from a really sexual mindset, this is your wife and your sidechick having sex. 

What would you do? 

A bird seeking freedom 

Sing a song with me 

Let us lie in the pool of our tears 

Your visible unhappiness, my fear 

My grip so tight on your arm, you sear 

Burn and scotch, I become so near 

To you, my handsome deer 

If you walk away, a car will hit ya

I am not useless 

I am just not useful 

Holding onto you has become less gleeful 

Reminiscing the days, they were beautiful 

No matter the hole inside, I am still insightful 

~

I know you are a bird in need of it’s freedom 

I was taught love is patient, it’s wisdom 

I was never taught to let a king flee its kingdom 

I can’t let you go because you told me I was your queendom. 

I love you because I do love you 

I used to believe you love me but really I have become your flu 

I should be the medicine to your health but I am just the glue 

Sticking you to the floor, next to me, for that’s the cue

To the next song that my heart beat makes to give you a clue 

That your freedom is the death of me because it’s true 

Being in my arms should never feel like imprisonment 

My love for you surpasses the imagination of commitment 

It’s an obsession, due to the incapability to bear my resentment 

That I am weak and you are like my project of development

Until you find means to extricate yourself from me, shall you try to at least smile at my endearment 

I wish you would be here for me like I am been for you 

Be here when we make love like I am to please you 

At least last longer, you know I am ravenous bull 

At least bring me roses because you know red makes me beautiful

What made you stop loving me? 

I love you because through you I love me 

But you are a bird in need of its freedom 

I don’t know how to let go 

Because my love for you is seldom 

Until I learn to let you fly my hopeless bird, 

I will be yours and yours forever. 

So Sing a song with me 

Let us lie in the pool if our tears 

And within a few seconds I will let you fly 

Fly away my love and please do take my heart with you 

As you vacated it and your safest home. 

I own it 

It would be a green ugly lie if I said I always live in reality 

My head is world of gold and fortune 

Sleek and fine 

Haters ashes, scattered in hell

My ashes are diamonds

Pose bitch 

~

I dance

Barely dressed 

My body is a gracious vessel

A fountain of youth 

Bathing in this liquid gold 

My melanin popping

My highlight gold and brighter than your future 

I am owning it 

~

I like giving you something to talk about 

A hegemonic figure of life 

I own every shit I have 

You own that malice, what do you have? 

~

My eyes lascivious 

He said they pierce through his soul, 

My lips thick 

He says they are juicy, 

Cause I am damn owning it 

Own it bitch 

~

Remind haters you the shit, 

The damn queen of your life

Let them play extras

And you be the lead role

My face on everything 

I’ll be your kid’s idol 

Your brother’s crush

Your boyfriend’s fantasy 

Bitch, I am owning it. 

~

All of that glam 

Bad and boujie 

Own it 

Choosing life

You are a barrier between life and life 

I don’t know what to choose cause you are still life 

But it’s different kinds of life 

I want that life as much as I want this life 

But i don’t know which one is good for me. 

Would you elucidate please

Show me the life you provide 

Doomed 

I fell into your arms

You received me in an golden envelope 

Never opened me because I had already glistened you

You allowed me in 

The star that shines up on the sky 

I tapped into your flaws 

You dimmed

Unleashed a different shade of beauty 

Dark and secret 

My breath hollowed 

 I knew I was doomed

But I was actually really doomed 

The best thing was as incessant as you were 

Ready to reap myself out of the golden envelope

My golden glow flickered 

One two three 

Then dim and dark

 I was doomed 

Doomed Because I knew I had finally found my other imperfectly perfect half. 

Love is possible.

Today was pretty much no different to any day, I just had to deal with the financial crisis and fixing my uni applications and all trying to revise for exams. Also my acne treatment has the side effects of mood swings and tiredness, all kinds of shit really and it makes me miserable but I am an optimist. I try to look on the positive side but today I wasn’t. The treatment was kind of overwhelming besides, I have put on so much weight I can’t even look at my own reflection on the mirror (probably the treatment talking)  and I am stressing out and today I was ready and kicking to go back to gym then I forgot my bus pass and it all went down shit basically. 

So it’s been pretty shite if I am being honest. But one thing I noticed, I am the kind of a person who reads the future from almost anything. Some of it has actually worked for instance, when I went to London for an audition, all the way to the train station every traffic light went red, in my mind I had the incessant feeling that it wasn’t going to go well. Then while in the train, somebody became sick, to me it illustrates that my journey won’t be good and guess what, it didn’t go well. I am using this example cause I feel like you will understand it more. 

So since my day was basically a perfect definition of a shit day, in a shit mood and shit clothes (fashion means a lot to me) I have seen two different kinds of love. In a way, it’s a promise that I will find what I am looking for. Love, life, happiness and traveling. 

One lesson is, love isn’t about the looks. It has always occurred to me that I will not find a person who will love me because of my looks. I am a plus girl battling with weight issues despite my confidence and at times I think no one will love me. Very little times though.

Today after college I was in the bus and I saw two teenagers, they are probably younger than me (I will be twenty in two weeks 💥) they were standing in each ither’s arms. (I am a bit of a flaneur)  They were obviously in their own world, they were talking and kissing each other. In all, nothing was perfect about these kids, the guy had the long hair, the girl was in all black almost like the metal rock band singers but what was perfect was the way I felt their sense of love and affection. It was beautiful but it passed my mind because I had a lot in my mind. 

Then in town I saw another pair of lovers yet again. This one actually made me smile in public (so rare for me to smile in public. I have a straight don’t fuck with me face). Something blissful swelled in my heart. They were both putrid, in dirty tracksuits and the ripped and dirty hair – showing they live scarcely and perhaps sleep under the bridges. They were arguing, shouting all kinds of expletives at each other. I turned down the volume of my music and heard them say some deep shit at each other. Cursing super strong I was almost shocked. Then the man cursed and walked the other way and the woman also murmured profanities while walking away. It reminded me of the times my mom and the wife beater she was married to, they fought like this Everytime but even if they argued, I never sensed love like it did between these two. And they didn’t prove my speculation or sense of love wrong. The man hastily walked back to her and yanked her hand in almost a very forceful manner, when she argued with him he caught her words with his lips onto hers. It wasn’t just a quick kiss. They kissed in the middle of the road, no care that the car would come and hit them, no care that the sun is scorching today, no care that people are probably judging them, all they cared about in that moment was each other. 
I bet people thought I was insane as I watched them with a big toothy smile. It was a super sensational sight. So beautiful I can’t wipe it away. These people have nothing. Nothing. Their clothes look like they are all they have, dusty and all kinds of dirty. But their love… I just… I am lost for words. I can’t describe it because maybe you would understand it if you watched them with me. From the way they cursed at each other you would imagine them walking away from each other and never looking back but damn, that kind of free love, no cost, no care for anything but each other is the kind of love I love. It was obvious they were all they had and really, I could fan-girl about their love through out all day. 

I love love. I love the sight of love and seeing such examples of love makes me… I don’t know… crave it a little more? Believe that love is actually possible and I am not just crazy? That maybe I am not naive? I just don’t know but like a person who reads from what happens around her, I feel like not so long I will have what I want. It’s possible. Love is possible. No matter what the circumstances are. Love is possible and at no cost. No money or wealth or perfect body or perfect face or perfect financial life or perfect anything, love is possible. Love will come to me and damn I will be happy. 

Let’s have a laugh 😂 

The internet has no chill man 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂