Everytime ❤️

Everytime I look into your eyes, I feel like you handpicked me to suit your darkest insight, but you never really knew what I was like, you only witnesses a facade of what it’s like to love a woman like me. 

Everytime I am inside your arms, I feel like you handpicked me out of a million, only you didn’t know who I was like, I thought you will leave cause I tempted to leave, not because I hadn’t loved you yet, but because it didn’t feel right, because you only witness the smile I wear in day, and the lustrous mask I wear at night but then you reminded me, it wasn’t a facade it really was me.

Everytime I dance with you in the dark, I want you to be harder cause I am not so soft, Everytime you try to be kind I tell you I want you to be hard because I know love isn’t supposed to be easy, that’s why I don’t want you to be easy. 

Everytime I look into your eyes, I feel like you handpicked me effortlessly because I am transparent, you know I was the girl that suit your life, I love the sex you like and the fetish you love, I hate all the things that you hate, I laugh at same joke as you laugh to, I never cry because you hate to see me cry. 

Everytime I kiss you I feel like I will explode into a million diamonds because you make me shine brighter than the diamonds. 

Everytime you sleep I want you to know, you are my love and I belong to you. 

Everytime 

It’s a savage world 

I am single 

But my heart belongs to someone who can never be mine 

I am on my own 

Hence my mind rotates in circles 

I feel a certain drowsiness since I decided to let go and let God 

But I want you, 

I want something new 

Because you are all that is in my mind 

Promoting your image, an illusion of the best life 

And I buy into it 

~

I am single 

I walk on the streets 

Hand in hand with your phantom 

I am cursed with the eyes that are the only that can see you 

 because I belong to you 

And you belong to someone else

It’s a savage world. 

It’s sad I live in it 

And you don’t live in it 

I am not loving it 

So that’s why I tempt to leave it 

But nothing is as impossible as that 

Letting go, of you, and letting God. 

Wordless 

You are a phantom 

You appear and disappear just like that

No warning, no nothing, you just appear 

Then I become wordless

~

You ravage my pulse Everytime you decide to appear 

You leave me hanging on a thin thread 

Starving, crazy and extremely volatile for the happiness that flowers inside me

You make me so happy, I could cry

You leave me wanting

Wanting more of you

Craving 

Yearning for more. 

Trust me it’s nothing sexual 

It’s more than that 

You are an incorrigible man 

Blind eyes could even see that 

Innovative and so smart

So… perfect it’s pissing me off 

My heart leaps up to my throat 

My visions fool me 

My heart makes a promise it can’t keep 

The chances are invisible 

Would you ever be mine? 

I could never expound how much you enthuse futuristic happiness in my heart 

My face dilates with a huge smile 

Shine bright like a diamond 

Glow, reflecting the light from a distance 

The light I keep yearning to invite into my life 

Yet you are the light that is so far away. 

I am crazy right? 

Would it be of shock if you found out someone cared so much about you? 

I think you care 

I care 

But I feel like I am always borrowing our time and I only get pennies 

All I am looking for is at least a loan or a grant of time 

I am rumbling aren’t I? 

Talking about you is a mixture of all emotions 

Words fail me when it comes to talking about you. 

They fail me because they are incapable

Of defining how I feel about you 

Every thing I thought was possible in my life has turned out to be not possible 

But when I saw your face that day, I felt like you were possible. 

(Gosh I was so happy)

I wish you could be a possibility in my life 

I want you to be. 

Whereever you lay, shall you know I witnessed the somber face you wore on that day 

You wanted to say something 

You wanted a shoulder to lean on 

I care,

I could listen to you for a million hours. 

I may be wordless but I care 

Just talk to me

What is sad?

I don’t know what’s sad, 

The weather or the sky, 

Gloomy and grey, it cries 

The rain that falls lifelessly like its dying 

~

I don’t know what is sad, 

My face or me

My grey clothes or feels 

My smile, a plastic thing 

A real one would breed wrinkles 

I am a glamour queen 

~

I don’t know what’s sad, 

My loneliness in a room full of people 

Or the gleeful mask they are wearing 

Possessed by the demon of blindness 

Effacing reality and replacing it with bad dreams and desires 

~

I don’t know what’s sad, 

That I have love or that there’s no love 

It’s scorching in my heart 

Churning at the pit of my stomach 

The pain, the burns 

Propels tears from my eyes 

Empty tasteless tears

But a glamour queen never cries

~

I don’t know what’s sad, 

The dryness of my lips keen to be softened by yours 

Or the absence of lips that please 

No love in love

Wanting what doesn’t want 

I don’t know what’s sad, 

That I love you and you don’t even know it 

Or that you look like love and maybe you aren’t. 

In transformation 

It all started when I opened my eyes and realised I had lost myself Into the dark and ashy smoke I was 

My heart bloated with an abundant amount of pain 

My head pounding 

Pounding all of my sorrows and failures 

Pounding me into a new person 

I was slowly and slowly transforming 
Positive expectations 

Leads to aching disappointments 

Accepting and moving on 

May lead to even more pain 

Little did I know, it was all part of my transformation 
Then I shut my eyes 

My body trembling cold 

Waited for an answer 

I needed a reason 

A reason to keep going

Then I befriended a paper and a pen 

Connected my heart and my brains into one 

Then that’s  when I began transforming
Even today I ask myself who is this 

Because I was unbeknown of this person 

Do I like this person that I am 

Hence with the smile I have on my face 

Little to no tears 

I am certain, I am happy with this person that I am
With each page written 

The more I transform into a different person 

My transformation is still on going.

That is me in the picture, I bet you could tell though haha. I wrote this poem the time I started to realise I had learnt to love and accept myself and it all started with writing. Writing has always made me smile, no matter what. 

The things I wanna do with him (fav pics of the week)

Almost everyone who follows me on my blog knows my biggest dream is to love and be loved. I believe in true love and having a partner with me through my success, his success, his sadness and happiness, my sadness and happiness until it becomes our sadness and happiness and love. 

So these pictures are little fancy things I would like to do with him. This isn’t a dirty one, just comment below if you want me to do the dirty one because it will be dirty and freaky alright😉. 


I want to have the person I love by my side at all times and mostly spending time in just little clothing at home, watching tv or just talking and cuddling. Some cute things lol. 


Do some cooking together, that’s weird right? lol I never admit this to anyone but I love cooking and trying out recipes. I just never have time but when I do, I literary put my time to cooking the best I could. So doing it with someone I love would be fun. 


Wearing very little clothing at home. If it were according to me we would walk around almost naked because a human body is a form of art and an art that’s worth admiring at all times especially if it’s someone you love. Chilling and just relaxing like this would be my fav thing to do with a guy I like. Mostly I know it would make me more comfortable with him and that would lead to me being comfortable to do almost anything with them. 


Shower together. Gosh I love this. Having some romantic baths and showers is just one of the best things I think. And I would love something like that. 


Travelling together. Seeing the world and creating memories. I just love that, man. I have never really travelled to any place or country. I have never been to wonderful places and all and I would love to do this with the love of my life. 


I can’t wait for a moment like this where I will say ‘yes!’. I believe in true love and almost everyone I know tells me there’s no such thing like true love. Everyone I know always discourage me when they hear me say this, it’s even leading to me thinking maybe I am just stupid or weak. But truth is, i will never stop believing in true love because it is out there. 


Getting cozy and freaky at the pool. There is something sexy about these kind of swimming pools. I don’t know what it is but imagining me and who ever my future partner is in this kind of a pool, it’s a turn on. 🙈 lol


And of course, we have to fuck nasty and senseless in every angle and every manner and every position. 

My happiness 

It’s incredible, how you feel so happy when you lay your eyes on that one person who is perhaps unaware of how much you desire them. It took me by shock and for a second I couldn’t breath. He’d finally came around after such a long time and funny enough I had missed him badly. So so so bad. 

How the heck do you miss someone you know little about? It’s funny that isn’t it? 

I had it all in my head, all I wanted to say to him. I had planned it out and inside I’d told myself I was ready to talk more with him. In which every time he comes around we talk about almost a lot but today I was too astounded, too happy. The kind of happiness that turned all my thoughts into shining stars and for those minutes I was blinded and floating in cloud nine, happy as Fuck. 

I could hear him talking about his new place and his motorbike and all but it wasn’t reaching my mind. It’s not like I wasn’t listening, God I would listen to him everyday but all I enjoyed was seeing him there. His presence, oh my God, it’s just so good and fantastic and just seeing him… I swear no absolute word can describe the feeling. 

Happy isn’t the word either, it’s too minimal to express how I feel. It’s been a long time since I have felt this way about him but I haven’t really got the gut to tell him. I am fearful, mostly of rejection, disappointment and embarrassment. But funny enough I like him and despite that since he moved away, he stays for weeks and weeks without stopping by at work and during those weeks I would be supposed to find them as a way I can stop thinking about him but that’s just impossible. The guy is in my Fucking mind every second like an unsolvable problem. In which, sometimes all these feelings feel like unsolvable problems.

Then today he came. 

I didn’t expect him. I mean, I knew he normally came around on Fridays but so many Fridays had passed and I really didn’t expect him. I had so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to know; just so much that it overwhelmed me and I was all nervous and bubbly and busy embarrassing myself lol. I bet he noticed that I was a bit too… weird. 

Maybe he knows I like him and he is just messing about with me. With the way he looks at me sometimes and how he talks to me sometimes and some gestures he make sometimes, it leave me thinking maybe he knows I like but he just isn’t sure or something. I don’t know, man. It’s just too complicated.

However, I feel grateful that I saw him today. Happy days are really little in my life and every time I see him, I feel so happy that my entire body would be trembling with absolute delight, happiness and trust me as talkative as I am, words run astray when I see him. All I would be wanting is to just admire him, hear about his day, what he likes, his aspirations or maybe silly jokes or maybe just chill, you know. 

Then sometimes I think he has no idea that I like him. Maybe he would be at his home having no idea how much I would like to spend some time with him. Maybe he thinks I am as weird as fuck. 

He aided into making my day a wonderful day. I’d got paid, received an audition, and most of all he completed my day, I saw him. Him that smashing handsome bustard. 

Absolute happiness right then. 

I wish to be happy and having little tastes of it could make me a bit hopeless. There are things that could possibly hinder an opportunity for us. So many. So so many.  It’s stressful sometimes but nonetheless, I saw him once again.

Currently, if there is anyone who makes me happy, it’s him. Just for those five minutes, he completes me. 

I wish he knows that. 

And I wish where ever or whatever he could be doing right now, I hope somehow he gets the feeling that he made someone extremely happy today. 

And mostly, I wish he comes again next Friday.

This is not my usual post lol but I had to share how I feel because I never do really haha. I am so closed off sometimes and that really wrecks me up sometimes. As a talker and some friendly weirdo that I am, you wouldn’t think I am so concealed within myself. You would think I speak out. Well I don’t. I let it kill me. I bleed it all in my books and leave a bloodless salted scar inside me. I feel like shit these days, man and seeing him just… it just washed all that away. Anyway let me not depress you too haha. 

(Jamie Donan isnt really one of my fav or least actors but the guy I am on about almost looks like him. Just a tiny bit,) 

Thanks for reading and good night 😘

Loving you

A love so deep,

 I love my suffocation as I drown within. 

Your happiness my own, 

I forsaken mine for the sake of yours. 

The selfless I am, the selfish my heart is.

 My love for you is so deep, I enjoy its depth. 

Drown within, as I have forsaken my own for the sake of yours.

Smoke

Daily-post: Smoke

Loving loveless 

Memories invading a peaceful mindset 

Tears cascading down the beauty of my skin 

Pain knotting my heart into a tight ball 

I want you to burn into smoke 

And Vanish with the air.

My head pounds, 

The hard pain when you crashed it against the wall, 

My body recalls the breathtaking pain when you plunged the baseball bat against my body 

My heard burns, a reminder of you pulling my hair across the room 

The tears cascade onto my skin 

I want you to burn into ash and smoke. 

Malicious words scream inside my head 

I ought to be sane 

Hence the thunder of your voice disrupts my thinking at every second I breath 

I wish you would burn into smoke and nothing 

You had a hammer in your hand 

I dreamt I was a brick wall 

You ought to kill me 

Leave behind the life I brought into the world 

I trembled with fear 

I cried for your mercy 

And you didn’t even blink 

When you threw it in my direction 

I was a dead woman alive 

I want you to burn in hell And turn into smoke 

I ought to say I have moved on 

The scars within and out never healed 

Hence they will 

If you burn painfully into smoke and nothing 

This poem is inspired by my mother’s abusive marriage experience. 

Selfishness

Have you ever had that one person that you do everything for and get nothing in return? Nothing that makes you happy? Nothing that isn’t their responsibility just something as little as just an hour for yourself? 
Well the feeling is mutual. 
I always tell all my friends and families and I think I have mentioned it on this blog that to be happy you have got to be selfish. If there is anyone I have been selfish on these days or let me say 99% of my life; It’s me. 
I do everything to make people happy, I put my confidence, issues and my happiness at risk just to make people happy, just to see a smile on their faces, just to feel good that I have changed a bad day to a good day. It used to feel good. I mean, it should still feel good, but it doesn’t. 
People have the tendency to forget you are not a fish with eight or six hands (I don’t know the name of the fish I have in mind lol) they can’t accept that little good you do. Yes they will say thank you, or I am so happy you in my life, but are you happy they are in your life? 

Probably not and that’s because you are only giving them a hand but they want your entire arm, from your entire to half of you, from half of you to the whole of you and then at the end you realise you have lost yourself in means to make other people happy. 
I speak about happiness a lot because it is something I should have and that a lot of people think I have. But when I look at my life… If happiness comes from making some people happy? Then I am happy but if happiness is actually doing what makes me happy and doing it for myself; then I am simply unhappy. It’s hard to admit it to such a huge site but that is because this site has given me a piece of what happiness would be like. I read all your blogs and find a piece of myself in almost all of them only that I don’t have time to fulfil that piece. Instead, my time is taken astray by the people that I love and that have a pretty funny way of showing it. 
All I am saying is, becareful you don’t turn into me. A person who used to find happiness in making her family happy until she grew up and realised she wasn’t happy at all. 
If you have been doing what I have been doing, then please don’t be me. Be selfish. Today and now, confront the people that are affecting your happiness, tell them all that you hate because I know I don’t have the balls to do that but like the person that I am, i will feel grate if you do it for yourself. It will inspire me to grow bigger balls to confront the people that I love and tell them its enough. 


If you have been selfish on yourself, try being selfish to that loved one who wants to take all of you and leave you selfless. Get rid of him or her, leave him or her because you only have one life and it’s not well spent if you don’t have happy days or happiness. Do this for me, so you could inspire me to do the same without self incrimination, shame and self loathe. 
Be the person I am failing to be and be happy. That’s all that matters to me and to most people in the world. Just be happy.