It’s incredible, how you feel so happy when you lay your eyes on that one person who is perhaps unaware of how much you desire them. It took me by shock and for a second I couldn’t breath. He’d finally came around after such a long time and funny enough I had missed him badly. So so so bad.
How the heck do you miss someone you know little about? It’s funny that isn’t it?
I had it all in my head, all I wanted to say to him. I had planned it out and inside I’d told myself I was ready to talk more with him. In which every time he comes around we talk about almost a lot but today I was too astounded, too happy. The kind of happiness that turned all my thoughts into shining stars and for those minutes I was blinded and floating in cloud nine, happy as Fuck.
I could hear him talking about his new place and his motorbike and all but it wasn’t reaching my mind. It’s not like I wasn’t listening, God I would listen to him everyday but all I enjoyed was seeing him there. His presence, oh my God, it’s just so good and fantastic and just seeing him… I swear no absolute word can describe the feeling.
Happy isn’t the word either, it’s too minimal to express how I feel. It’s been a long time since I have felt this way about him but I haven’t really got the gut to tell him. I am fearful, mostly of rejection, disappointment and embarrassment. But funny enough I like him and despite that since he moved away, he stays for weeks and weeks without stopping by at work and during those weeks I would be supposed to find them as a way I can stop thinking about him but that’s just impossible. The guy is in my Fucking mind every second like an unsolvable problem. In which, sometimes all these feelings feel like unsolvable problems.
Then today he came.
I didn’t expect him. I mean, I knew he normally came around on Fridays but so many Fridays had passed and I really didn’t expect him. I had so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to know; just so much that it overwhelmed me and I was all nervous and bubbly and busy embarrassing myself lol. I bet he noticed that I was a bit too… weird.
Maybe he knows I like him and he is just messing about with me. With the way he looks at me sometimes and how he talks to me sometimes and some gestures he make sometimes, it leave me thinking maybe he knows I like but he just isn’t sure or something. I don’t know, man. It’s just too complicated.
However, I feel grateful that I saw him today. Happy days are really little in my life and every time I see him, I feel so happy that my entire body would be trembling with absolute delight, happiness and trust me as talkative as I am, words run astray when I see him. All I would be wanting is to just admire him, hear about his day, what he likes, his aspirations or maybe silly jokes or maybe just chill, you know.
Then sometimes I think he has no idea that I like him. Maybe he would be at his home having no idea how much I would like to spend some time with him. Maybe he thinks I am as weird as fuck.
He aided into making my day a wonderful day. I’d got paid, received an audition, and most of all he completed my day, I saw him. Him that smashing handsome bustard.
Absolute happiness right then.
I wish to be happy and having little tastes of it could make me a bit hopeless. There are things that could possibly hinder an opportunity for us. So many. So so many. It’s stressful sometimes but nonetheless, I saw him once again.
Currently, if there is anyone who makes me happy, it’s him. Just for those five minutes, he completes me.
I wish he knows that.
And I wish where ever or whatever he could be doing right now, I hope somehow he gets the feeling that he made someone extremely happy today.
And mostly, I wish he comes again next Friday.
This is not my usual post lol but I had to share how I feel because I never do really haha. I am so closed off sometimes and that really wrecks me up sometimes. As a talker and some friendly weirdo that I am, you wouldn’t think I am so concealed within myself. You would think I speak out. Well I don’t. I let it kill me. I bleed it all in my books and leave a bloodless salted scar inside me. I feel like shit these days, man and seeing him just… it just washed all that away. Anyway let me not depress you too haha.
(Jamie Donan isnt really one of my fav or least actors but the guy I am on about almost looks like him. Just a tiny bit,)
Thanks for reading and good night 😘